all the broken hearts

hey!
i miss you. i know it sounds odd to hear this from me but. . . I know that I've screwed things up. and like hey like you can blame me; its just that its how i react initially, and yeah, trying to do something about it.

i know we won't be seeing each other for quite sometime, i really don't know how i feel about it. i told you a mill of times that i'm not ready. i'm just not cut out for it you know. like i don't know how or what to feel at a moment i'm talking or with you. i don't how i feel about certain things, unusuall things. i can not force myself to be something or someone just for you. you have to understand that this will only lead to broken hearts. . . like what i curently posses. . . maybe.

i miss you a lot though, trust me this is already ahrd for me to say this, quite hard to believe but, yeah.
i miss that feeling, that werid feeling i get in my tummy when you talk to me. i like it when you joke around and i'm always the victim. i like it when you wait for me to fall asleep. i like talking to you when i'm pissed it seems like you're always the solution to my problems. look at me now, for a second there i felt so happy but right now, right at this moment i feel like i'm so unsure and uncertain. this is what i was talking about. i fall but then i stop myself even if i don't want to.
i'm not right for you. i missed up our friendship and i wish i can take that back. i wish there was an undo button in life. i wish i could go back in time and forget. forget that you liked me and that we were JUST friends.

i know it seems odd for me to tell you all of this but hey it weirder for me haha. you know me and i should've known better. i'm sorry. sorry for being so insensitive and . . . well you know.

so yeah. wish you luck

Harlow

Hi. How am i? terrible.

Confusion fills my mind. Driving me nuts? Yes. Why? I DON’T KNOW.

Uh let’s think about this for a moment now. . . I’m not completely screwed.

It just that:

I have this nagging feeling something’s wrong or something’s about to go wrong

I don’t feel like I’m ready to take on huge deals yet

I am not emotionally stabilized

Let’s just say I couldn’t think straight

Something seems so wrong. I may not know what it is but I fee like I’m about to know


. . . SOON


Drama is one of the many things I don’t like dealing with nor getting involve with

I feel like after that “scene”, it will forever haunt me.

MUST AVOID

Insecurities are never dealt with. It is always or most of the discrete.

Nevertheless it may be shared.

Currently in the dark, sulking.

Who to talk to? No one but to myself

Not that I don’t have friends, I do! . . . In my own little world that is

. . . never real


Lights are shutting off on me.

Suicide is never an option.

Now I start to reconsider.

- HarlowLove

Late post, this was blogged last night

___
I am oh so bored right now and I couldn’t find anything better to do. I miss my friends I feel like most of my friends are so distant now, especially my friends from 1st year and 7th grade, really miss ALL of them. I feel like summer was so fast I can not believe there’s only two weeks left till classes resume. Ugh! summer bummer.

Currently in my room, lights all out. Watching tv and ooh I so want to watch breaking the magician’s code, just really curious. Ooh csi is on, one of my fav shows. Lost my phone btw. Sad. Hope I find it soon. I think its just one of those misplace-in-my-room-find-it-the-next-week kinda thing, happens to me a lot.

March was definitely okay/awesome-ish. . . We went out every week, 3 times per week tops, so fun. Miss my friends! Events to look forward to though are: disha’s party and my swimming thing. . . again cause auds didn’t get to go the last time, but both of the events will be for us gals only. And again it’ll be here in my place. Love those hang outs, just chill and relax, catch up on things. Kidna sick-ish of the mall, its always there; doing the same things: eat-movie-timezone.

Like my other friends, I so want to have a group dinner, BBQ and a sleepover. And ooh, JOEY AND CAMERON part 2!!! I don’t want to go to the mall really, hate crowded places. I just really think we should get together.

And so speaking of the us gals events I really need to “stay away” from guys for a while hahah. Cause my mom thinks I’m too “tomboy-ish” now. Well growing up from an all boy-cousin family, expect it. My gal cousins are only a few in my mom’s side: timmy,13 and 4 or 5 (?) that are 9 and below. I’ve got others my age but its either they’re in the states and I haven’t met them or they’re like distant cousins, like Trisha. Yah, we have the same name, Patricia, and we look a like. . .great. -.- And in my dad’s side, I’ve got ej she’s 3 and also my godchild and Denise she’s 4 ? 5? Something like that – way obsessed with Hannah Montana and me. . . you would know if you were actually reading my blogs! Hahaha.

Not only my mom thinks I’m a tomboy even my cousins and maid haha. I don’t think I am though. I blame the Cameron thing hahah its rubbing on me now. As a kid I already didn’t like boys, I always thought of them as my friends. My mom told me when I was 3 I came home sad one day, it was vals day, I was holding like chocolates and flowers. She asked me where the came from i said it was from bob and rob (fake names of course . . . not telling ya’ll who it is) and she was teasing me about it and I told her “but I want to be a boy”. . . And after that were ballet classes. So, yeah.

Have I mentioned I tried playing dota? I got so bored one day so I checked out my brother’s computer, so yeah kinda started there. and frankly I terribly suck at it cause maybe I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. Hahaha. but yeah I did win a couple of times.



Fat-fat and James were scampering in my room earlier. They’re so cute! I had 3 hamsters before but Benjy, he was black and white and also my fav, died. I wanted to give one of them a hair cut today, a Mohawk maybe but my mom won’t allow me. ooh you should see them in doll clothes, hilarious. I want to have a dog but I guess If I buy now it’ll be too late cause i’ll be having classes soon. Bummer.

Hope I could make the most out of this two weeks. Sure wish I had a better summer.


Okay I will go now, maybe watch a bit more tv then go to sleep. I can hear noise downstairs though so I just might check it out.

All right!

confuse me

This blog was made yesterday, may 24th . . . late post
. . . .

This day started out - odd. Last night i had this dream about uh. . . my ex. It was sooo weird, totally out of the blue. Its like seeing barney the dinosaur in the grocery or something. As a matter of fact that night hadn’t anything do to with him
honestly. The dream was werid-ish/ horrific/almost-nightmare . . . but sweet. . . I guess.

I woke up in tears (weird) and I was really confused. It almost felt like being in the 7th grade again. My tummy felt really weird and no I didn’t have to go potty. The feeling was uh I don’t know. . . ooh! that tingly feeling that I get when I listen to John Mayer’s songs. . . some of ya’ll prolly wouldn’t know what it feels like but I can tell you it was nice. I honestly didn’t know what to think! Thoughts crossed my mind though. I refused to think that I wasn’t over him cause I know that really I am. It came to me that maybe I miss him -but I don’t think so. Maybe I missed being with someone, really don’t know.

I ought not to tell you what happened in my dream; it is none of your business. But like I will tell you that until now, though the day is ending, I can still feel that bubby feeling in my tum-tum. I don’t know I feel like I’m missing something but quite don’t know what it is. Really confused here.



Candy man’s turn.

So were over. And uno, we were never in a relationship, we just went out and go to know each other.
I let him go because he was really pushy that I wanted to slap him and he didn’t want me to hang out with dude. Dude, more that half of my friends are dudes, how caring and considerate can you get!

So yeah, case closed :P

i just came here to bounce

Subic was awesome, stayed for 4 days.

So we arrived there at like 11 something pm, we did stay in the same house as last year. It still looked the same and not to mention it was “haunted” like paranormal activities and stuff, it never bothered me though. So next day we got up like 10-ish had breakfast and went to the beach, Camayan beach, same beach we went to but like it’s way better now. Got there and my cousin Timmy wanted to get henna tattoos so yeah I waited for her while she was getting one. so while waiting I saw some dude practicing with those swingy things that the set on fire for their show in the evening so like I tried swinging a pair and it hit my head. . . they made fun of me. Haha. so went to the place where everyone was and just like hanged around, could swim cause like uh got my “girl business”. Eventually got a henna tat and while I was thar I met this dude he was American I guess but like he lived in china his name is mark and he was getting a tat as well. He had this gnarly bruise o his arm so he got a tat to cover it up and I got angel wings on my back . . . pretty cute. So there while everyone was swimming I just hung around, get a tan and like relax. So it was now –ish and the kids wanted to go to ocean adventure which was okay cause it was just right besie the beach. So we walked me, Timmy, Trina, Miggo, JP, Joey, Itos and two of my aunts. We got there and waited for the shows and there was this new show called high dive so we asked bout it and it about people diving of like 80 ft. high platforms so yeah thought it was cool. So it was the first of the few shows we watched. We were early so we got front seats man when the divers came out I was like: eh-ma-gawd. . . so hott! They didn’t have to do anything really but just like stand there!!! not to mention they were in bikini cut speedos and might have seen their undercarries but the view was still nice hahaha.They we’re all dudes except for one girl and some were from Europe and from the US. Hot dudes! The show was cool. Like there was this one dude, he’s cute; he set himself on fire before diving. And like after the show I managed to get some photos with them! Ahhh!!! So we there we ate ice cream and watched the other shows.

Skip skip.

So it was dark like 6-ish, I didn’t keep track of time, really. We were heading back to the beach where the others (my rents, uncle and aunts) were. And while we were walking back we saw the divers!!! And man I “kinda” freaked out hahah I was all tickly inside hahaha. man we got some group photos and omg I saw mark! Apparently the drivers were his friends. It was cool he still remembered me he was like: hey still got your wings. I was stunned, seriously. So yeah, fun fun fun!

Day 3
We spent the whole morning at home. I read my book and listened to music that reminded me of the other day, yesterday. I also fell asleep cause it was oh so cold in my room, where I often stayed, alone. Afternoon, Timmy, her dad and I went to Starbucks. We had some drinks and I got to go online just to check my mail and stuff. After few hours there the rest of them followed. We all met up and went around buying stuff. Also went to the awesome sites there. We saw some bats which I was kinda scared of I might say. We go home at like 7 and had dinner. Us kids all went to one room and started making videos of us killing each other, kinda funny but really painful! Compared to my size my cousins are giants! And to think I’m the eldest. Hahaha. oh well.

That night I had this crazy weird dream, it was horrible, couldn’t sleep well. There was this dude and cheerleaders in platforms and Jesus Christ was there. sooo odd.
I woke up in relief cause I thought I was in manila already.


But yeah, to sum up all the events, it was awesome. Deff one of the best vacas ever. And heck, I needed it.

retrosuperfuture!

Yestarday was oohsome! We went to GB, watched a movie and ate and stuff. Coldrock was definitely awesome too! It was I, Disha, Jo, Grace, Darren, Gian, Joshua and Kevin, So yeah, really fun. Disha and I were the last ones who went home cause my dad had to bring my cousin home and stuff. So like we went walked around Gb to kill time. Ooh! Dish and I we’re in GB and eh-ma-gawd so embarrassing!, when we were going out already and so we stood right in front of the “door” cause as we all know the glass doors in GB have sensors so like we were standing there for like seconds and looking up to look at the sensor. The guard approached us and said “Ma’am over here” apparently that wasn’t the exit, just a plain glass window!!! We could hear the people behind us giggling and oh one more just RIGHT AFTER that incident, I was walking out already and like Dish and I was laughing about the whole glass door thing. I wasn’t looking and I almost, I repeat almost, walked on a broken escalator. Good thing dish pulled me away hahah she was like “Cami what the heck hahah” . . . hilarious.

Today’s quite awesome too! Hmm, I woke up happy again! Yay me! It was a cold morning I really didn’t want to get up yet, so I listened to my ipod instead and like just lay thar. It’s also the birthday of my grandmom so there’s this really huge party here tonight. I finally went downstairs for breakfast and woah was the house nice! Like flower arrangements all ovar that were like massive and so pretty. I heard there’ll be like more than 60 people tonight, early Christmas party much? So just came from my jazz class and hey I can say that I did a good job today though I was like 20 minutes late haha. I’m in my rent’s room right now since SOMEONE broke my laptop. I know I should be pissed but like I don’t want to think about it now since its rare to find me in this kind of mood. So yeah trying hard not to screw it up! And ooh! Heard some old songs from channel v and like I gave me that bubbly feeling in my tummy again, it was really nice, Reminds me of em’ good old times.

I so just can’t wait for tonight’s big event. Happy birthday grandma!

Goat to go prep up for tonight. TTYL! . . . yah just found out what that stands for.

all caged up

Sad sad sad morning.

My maid woke me up telling me that bunny, my bunny,’s sick. So I rushed down stairs and ran to his cage in the garage. When he saw me he was jumping up and down like what he normally does. So I opened the cage to hug him and OMG he was soo thin, it was so sad. I asked the caretakers if he was being fed everyday and they said yes. i was wondering what may have happened to him cause he looked different like he was so thin and when you pet his back you can feel the bones. I spoke to my parents and the were suggesting that he be put to sleep but I don’t want to see him die, that would crush me. I remember what had happened to Manson, this baby bunny I got and he died on the night before my birthday.
Here’s what happened.

It was a Friday and Bb. CSA was on that night. So I went home with Ana, Gia, Chesca, Abby and i. The driver brought me and Gia to my house cause I forgot some of my things there and I wanted Gia to see Manson cause I’ve been talking about him a lot in school. When we went up to my room Manson was there in his little box where he sleeps. I carried him and showed him to Gia and so we were playing with him a bit. The night before Bb. CSA I had second thoughts of not going cause I wanted to spend time with Manson. So we had to go and I placed him back in the box. Gia and I went back to Ana’s place and ate a bit and we prepared for the show.
Skip skip skip.

After the show we the 5 of us went to high street to have dinner. We got there and we went to cold rock first. Gia and I had Aussie vanilla with Cadbury Flakes which was so good by the way. As we were walking back to high street my mom called asking if I dropped Manson or anything. I said no and asked why and she told me he broke some of his bones that he couldn’t move or walk. I was worried but like I also didn’t want to ruin the night. We ate in Friday’s and talked about stuff. So yeah people started going home after that. Ana and I decided to wait till my birthday in her place. We bought some drinks and chips so we could celebrate. It was 12 o’clock, my birthday; still I couldn’t stop thinking about Manson. Ana and I were talking about it and we thought maybe it was nothing serious or something. My phone kept buzzing cause of the loads so greetings I received. My parents finally came and my dad was pissed. I wanted to scream at him honestly cause seeing him pissed annoyed me! We got home I ran in my room to avoid what my parents/ dad might have to say cause at that time I though I was going to be scolded. I got in my room and I couldn’t find Manson. My brother came in my room and told me Manson was dead. I thought he was kidding and at the same time I was wondering how it was possible. I was so confused till I saw him in my mom’s room wrapped in a blanket. My mom told me they were supposed to bring him to the vet but it was too late. My dad was assuming someone dropped it cause some of Manson’s bones were broken. I carried Manson back into my room and I was crying . . . duh. I was on the bed hugging him and thinking how it was possible for him to die like that. My mom came in brining me pop tarts and milk cause she knows its one of my comfort foods. She was talking to me and was telling me my brother even bought me a cage for him and stuff and that definitely made me feel really bad. I was telling her whoever killed Manson ruined my birthday blahx3. so I thought I was over it and my dad came in to get Manson cause we had to put him in the box already cause he might start rotting any minute then. When he started to seal it I couldn’t stop my self and I got the box and ran in my room to hug him once more . . . obviously I wasn’t ready to see him go yet. I cried myself to sleep that night and when I woke up they told me he was already buried; so I couldn’t do anything about it but cry more.

I’m still bitter about the whole thing and now that my other bunny’s soon to leave me I don’t know. I’m just really upset.